“I need him to tell me I am beautiful, I just need to hear him say it.”
I remember the days where I would validate my beauty against other’s comments. I remember being able to count on my hands and toes how many times a boyfriend complimented my appearance and so on. I remember the stress of avoiding mirrors and not feeling confident in what I saw in the mirror. And then oddly enough… I got over it. I can’t actually pinpoint the moment where I fell in love with my face or when I stopped caring if I received a compliment or not, but it happened and we thank God for that.
The above quote came from a night of twitter. Insecure women crowded my timeline, discussing and debating how often their significant other should compliment them. Now before I begin my rant, I think it’s absolutely necessary you be attracted to the person you’re dating, whether their looks grown on you, which I have experienced, or you’re instantly attracted to them, which I have recently experienced also … there needs to be an attraction one way or another.
There are always some unwritten rules to a relationship. Boundaries and expectations are set, yes, yes, I know… but to tell your significant other he should compliment you “X” amount of times a week… is stupid. The mere fact that you are expecting a compliment from anyone is little much, but to set a rule behind it. Come on ladies, let’s be real here. Why are you waiting to accept your beauty? What’s the joke here?
So I’m going to break it down to you the way my Aunty Sade did for me a few years ago.
Unless you are a child building your belief system, you do not need to hear shit from anyone in order to believe it about yourself. I repeat, you do not need to hear a compliment, an insult, and so on for it to be true about you. This looking to others to validate things about you needs to end. I see it all the time with people I interact with, I see it daily within “twitter crews”. Stop it and stop it now.
Tell yourself you’re beautiful, you don’t need a spouse for that. Pick up a mirror, stare deeply into your eyes and compliment the fuck out of yourself till you fucking believe it. Laugh, and I really do mean laugh, at insults and that inner mean girl inside of your head. Begin to lay the foundation of unbreakable confidence. Let insults or word speaking negatively about you bounce off of that shit. The only validation you need is the one you provide yourself. Set your own personal standards, only you have to agree to them. I’m not suggesting you be delusional either, but your beliefs about yourself are the ones that matter the most.
Put it into perspective. If I took into account every time an ex hated something about my face or body, I would have ruined it for the person that just so happens to like me just the way that I am. Better yet, I’d be insecure about the fact that someone likes what they see. Confidence is sexy, it’s so fucking attractive, and it comes from your own personal and constant validation. Not the scheduled, “Baby you’re so pretty” comment.
I guess what I am trying to say is, if you don’t see your own beauty, you never will. Not even when your loved ones explain it you. So affirm to yourself whatever it is you’re seeking from outsiders, and keep doing so till you believe your own words. Not theirs. But yours.