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To The Girl Who Decided She Didn’t Want To Play Anymore

You’re tired.
You’re emotionally drained.
You don’t want to play this game anymore.

He only calls you when he needs something. You know he loves you, there isn’t a doubt about that. You’re his Yetti. But if you’re being truthful with yourself, it’s evident that you love him more. He only calls when he wants something because you signed yourself up to be his crutch. You’re the cushion between him and rock bottom. You bail him out when shit gets tough but this time it’s different. This time it requires $32,000.

“Please help me. Please,” echoes through you all day, every day the summer of 2017. You hear it as you empty your savings account and 401k. You hear it when you collect money from your best friend and your boyfriend. You hear it as you drive across state lines at 4 in the morning. You hear it every time you sleep. 6 months later, after you know he’s back home, alive, and safe, you still hear it echo through your thoughts because you know this wasn’t the last time. It’s never the last time.

But you’re tired.
You’re emotionally drained.
You don’t want to play this game anymore.

It’s been 5 years. You thought you had forgiven yourself and them, but you see that they still slander your name. She has you blocked across all of social media as if you are the only person in the wrong. He openly tweets that he wished you had moved forward with your suicide attempt. Nice. Classy. But it’s been years. And you’re exhausted from being ashamed of a situation you didn’t participate in on your own. You’re exhausted from holding all the blame. You wish you had told her the truth. Your truth. The real truth. And not the truth he had told you to provide her to lessen the blow.

It’s been 5 years, but you still avoid occasions where you may have to see one of them. You pretend you don’t see the bitterness. You force yourself to keep your mind and eyes on the happiness you have now. Because going back to a place where depression had you in a constant chokehold is just not a fucking option. You don’t want that anger or sadness anymore. You’re happy to the loser here. Winning will cost you too much.

Because you’re tired.
You’re emotionally drained.
You don’t want to play this game anymore.

She tells you she no longer wants this friendship. A part of you is relieved because her “friendship” has brought you more drama than any other one you’ve had in your adult life. You don’t like being around her because she brings a certain discomfort and negativity. It wasn’t always that way, but for the last 6 months? You’ve wanted out. But now that you have it, the script has been flipped. You are no longer the keeper of certain secrets. Your shoulder has been relieved from its permanent duties to comfort her as she cries over him.

What you are now is public enemy number one.

As she sandwiches herself into places that greatly impact your friendships, you retreat. This is now basically a divorce, but you’re not prepared to fight. So just to receive peace, you told the judge to give her everything. She can have the gym, you’ll find another. She can have your mutual friends, I’ll see them another time. Fighting with someone you just don’t want around isn’t something you can do right now. She’s young, she doesn’t know better. But you do.

You’re sick of being tired.
You no longer want to be emotionally drained.
You absolutely do not want to play this game anymore.

And so, you don’t. You and your therapist work hard every Tuesday to create boundaries. You rework your thoughts about having to protect others more than you shield yourself. You let go of expectations to take care of other people’s feelings before catering to your own. You’re reminded that protecting your peace is a mission you champion, and finally begin to do it for yourself.

The next time he needs you, you don’t show up. You love him from afar, and you do it in a way that keeps your mind at ease. You still love him as much as you did before. The difference is, now you love you more. You stop trying to understand their thought processes and simply just block them back. Not because you’re angry. You’re not angry at all. But because you no longer want to be a part of this passive-aggressive saga. You sever all of the remaining ties, because who gives a flying fuck about their feelings. Did they give a fuck about yours? And you tell her to her face that you wish her all the best, but not before telling her you’re indeed thankful that this friendship has died. You are finally released from any guilt of the friendship ending because the friendship she was providing wasn’t that of gold as she swears by.

You’re not here to live a life serving others that are not worthy of what you have to offer. You’re not here to hide in shadows carrying other people’s burdens on top of your own. You are here to live, sweetness. You’re here to experience all that you can and love. Love hard. You are here for reasons way bigger than your self-imposed suffering. And you’re here because it’s your divine right to be. You’re in full control of your happiness and what it feeds on. So, let’s choose to step into the motherfucking light. Who are we kidding here, you are the light.

Because you’re no longer tired.
You’ve got your emotions in check.
And you decided you no longer want to play the game.

Yetti. Thank God for that.

15

2 Comments

  1. “You let go of expectations to take care of other people’s feelings before catering to your own. You’re reminded that protecting your peace is a mission you champion“

    This. Right. Here.

    This is so freaking true. I’m so happy you made this transition for you. And are helping show sooo many others how to do the same.

    🖤🖤

  2. “You’re not here to live a life serving others that are not worthy of what you have to offer. You’re not here to hide in shadows carrying other people’s burdens on top of your own. You are here to live, sweetness. You’re here to experience all that you can and love. Love hard. ”

    Ugh I tried so hard not to quote this whole thing but yes, Yetti, yes!! This was so beautifully written and freeing to read. Like is second-hand release a thing because I felt the weight of it all release as I read your words. I’m so damn proud of you! Thank you for this.

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