“You just do not belong here, or anywhere for that fact. I know it seems harsh, but reality is harsh.
You pretend to be something you’re not, comparing to people that have surpassed you both physically and mentally, just ask your ex… he’s told you and others. Why do you try to so hard?
Try and fit in where people will accept you. That might work out better for you.“
That’s right. I wrote that. To a poor young lady that didn’t deserve it. But I was annoyed. I was frustrated and to me, it was something she needed to hear. She needed tough love, and I got some sort of sick pleasure giving her that “tough love”. I enjoyed tearing down her hopes and beyond little self esteem.
But she didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve it. This note was written to me. I wrote it to myself to justify someone else’s actions towards me. To blame myself and take fault for things being awful at that very moment. I wrote this last year, and stuffed it away within my desk draw and I would love to say this was one of few, but the fact is… I do this to myself on a daily basis. Maybe not as harsh as the above, but in some way or another I am mean to myself. I am that bully everyone is terrified of and I live inside of my head.
I think it stems from portions of my upbringing, my move to the US, and hearing more negative comments than positive, which eventually turned into me only acknowledging the negative. The young impressionable mind absorbs all comments, internalizes them, and allows it to form their mind and thoughts. Not mention drastic life changes. Have you ever been 1 of 3 black people in an entire school? Oh, with a british accent? It’s hard to feel like you belong in such circumstances. So incidents where minor to terrible things happens, instead of saying “Yetti, that’s okay, maybe next time.” or “Something better is on it’s way”, I’ve learned to say, “You should’ve have done better” or “You deserve this.”
We have this tendency to be hostile towards ourselves, without really noticing that we’re doing so. Think about it. When’s the last time you made a self-deprecating joke? I use my “chubbiness” as a joke almost everyday. When’s the last time you rejected a compliment with “modesty”… and when I say modesty I mean your failure to accept the compliment because it “can’t” possibly be true. It’s so natural to beat ourselves up and almost impossible to be our own best-friend, full of loving compliments and appreciation.
But I am firm believer that everything can be reversed, reworked, or reprogrammed, and I am aware that everything takes time. So for my 25th birthday, my present to myself was my 4th tattoo. It’s placed somewhere I can see it. It’s a little reminder to myself to “reverse, rework, and reprogram”. Now with my reminder and a little bit of commitment, I’m taking baby steps to hang up my bully card. I’m also asking you other bullies to do the same.
Today be good to you, here I’ll start:
“Even with messy hair and that ache in the pit of your stomach, you’re one hell of a woman Yetti!”