Throwback Thursday: Surviving Twitter High

twitterhigh

Written 11/19/2012

(Helpful link: Twitter Glossary)

I think it is fair to say that this is the time of social networks. I honestly do not know one person who does not have an account of some sort on a social network. I have aunts and uncles still sitting in my Facebook friend requests. Everyone is on this bandwagon.

We had Myspace, the internet version of a sleazy nightclub, followed by Facebook, the internet barbeque or sometimes high-school reunion. LinkedIn is our internet office and now we have twitter, but what do we classify this as? High School.

Twitter is a typical high-school’s cafeteria, full of slander, jokes and the unwanted eating lunch by themselves by the window and trash. Twitter is the place where the not so cool folks fight for attention (followers), essentially trying to redo their high-school career. Twitter is the bulletin board that’s next to the principals office, highlighting your classmates achievements … or spelling errors. Twitter is the high school hallway where you will be shunned if your tweet does not fit a certain criteria.

Twitter is pure entertainment but it can also be seen as an ongoing popularity contest. It’s kind of sad really. And it’s not just my timeline that looks this way. Sometimes I’m afraid to unfollow folks because with my incredibly awkward luck, I’d be called out for it… in the middle of a subway ride… by some stranger that recognizes me from my miniscule profile picture. If someone isn’t outwardly begging for followers, they’re doing the most for a retweet. If someone isn’t whoring themselves out for attention, they’re fighting a celebrity who does not even know they exist. Outrageous? Yes! Entertaining? Double Yes!

But there is a method to the madness, believe it or not. Check out my survival tips down below:

Thou shall never beg

Do you beg for friends in real life? Do you invite yourself to events you are not welcomed to? Do you have conversations with people who could give a monkey’s ass about your existence? The sane answer to these questions should be: Absolutely Not. So why in God’s name would you do it on the internet? You follow someone because you’re interested in what they have to tweet about, not because you want them to follow you, or because your creepy spider senses convince you that this will be the first step into their “circle”. Teamfollowback = begging. Asking for a follow back = begging. Tweeting Celebrities as if you were kindergarten buddies back in 1992 = begging (creepy, but still begging). Have some pride, it’s just the internet.

Thou shall not look upon twitter for validation

One thing you should know is that twitter logic is completely illogical. According to twitter if you do not cook and clean every day while dancing on a pole for your man you will be #foreversingle. Need a review on a phone? Thoughts on a movie? Sure tweet away! If you need advice on how to get your baby-daddy to pay child-support? Keep the tweet to yourself. Please. Do it for sweet baby Jesus in the manger. The only person that should be validating your actions and decisions is yourself. Twitter can not be that for you. If you feel otherwise, seek counseling.

Thou shall not fight

It’s sloppy, it’s petty, it’s annoying to others witnessing it and for fuck’s sake IT IS THE INTERNET! In most cases you don’t even know the person you are arguing with personally! How foolish do you look my friend? And if you do know the person, why on earth would you bring the argument into a public display? Cool, people may find it entertaining when it happens. You get a few followers and retweets here and there but do you honestly think disgracing yourself is worth it? And God help you if you drag the argument on for days, weeks, or SEASONS. That is classified as the type of action that only pitiful attention craving idiots do. Don’t be one of them. Stirring the pot with subtweets is included too.

Thou shall remain clothed

Wearing something cute and want to share it with the tworld? Please do! Having fun on the beach in your new bikini? Fetch! Showing us your areola? Please don’t, not fetch. Unless you work in the porn industry, or you’re an aspiring stripper… please keep your private parts to yourself. We’ve got girls bending over backwards in sheer panties on twitter while we have others trying to force men to take us seriously in the working word. Cut it out. I honestly see this as a cry for help. If you seriously want some followers, walk into the street half naked, I’m sure a few folks will follow you then. Literally.

Thou shall be cautious when sharing thy opinion

I think this is common sense when it comes to sharing your opinion anywhere online. This is the internet, twitter to be exact. Tweets can become viral in a matter of seconds so if you’re not ready to have your mentions / replies overwhelmed with not so nice comments, attacks and sometimes threats… DO NOT TWEET IT. Which brings me to…

Thou shall know they audience

You don’t want to offend anyone following you (But honestly, if they decide to follow you they should know what they’re getting themselves into). It’s the reason why I have two twitter accounts. I have my personal twitter account where people who know me will understand my awkward / rude / mean/ yet truthful /harmless humor. I then have my blog twitter in which my comments are a little toned down. Same old Yetti, different language. I think it’s very important for bloggers to keep this in mind, regular folks on the other hand? GO WILD!!! Just kidding

Thou shall keep what’s personal… personal

Your followers shouldn’t know where you are at every single moment of the day… nor should we know that you’ve been mad at your ex-girlfriend for the past 6 months because she moved onto your best friend during your anniversary month. Yes we do it on blogs, but on twitter? It’s a force. An irritating attention seeking force. It’s like when the skinny friend goes to the not so skinny friend, “I feel fat today”. You’re just clearly looking for attention or pity and that is kind of pathetic. The occasional “I’m so upset right now” is fine, but should we know every detail and social security number of the parties involved in whatever is making you so upset? Probably not.

I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop there… what are some of your do’s and don’ts for Twitter?

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2 Comments

  1. Get this published as the guideline to proper twitter usage, please! “Your followers shouldn’t know where you are at every single moment of the day… nor should we know that you’ve been mad at your ex-girlfriend for the past 6 months because she moved onto your best friend during your anniversary month.” — easiest way for someone to get muted.

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