The Tale of When Happy Met Risk.

* Written a few weeks ago within the Extra Dose newsletter.
Sign up to read the upcoming series of this recent transition.

I know.
I can’t just waltz into your inbox
like I haven’t been missing for five months.
But let me explain, sugar! Don’t shut me out yet!

In January, I kind of overhauled my life. In February, I was in mid transition and hating it. March, my emotions ran high, and change got the best of me. By April, I was beyond beat down, but the Universe reached out her hand and said, “I got you, boo”. And now it’s May, and I’m adjusting to my new normal, and here to share with you the emotional stages that take place when you take risks for your happy.

You ready?

one // rash decisions.
Yes, you’ll make those. It’s how the “creating happy” process begins. Rash decisions not because you don’t know any better. Not because you’re stupid. You’ll make rash decisions because you are so desperate to capture your happy. keep your happy. remain in control of your happy. You’ll book vacations, commit to lofty engagements that keep you surrounded by good people, or something more permanent like quit your job, or sign a lease on a gorgeous apartment because well… you’ve gotta love what you do and where you lay your head right?

two // hello bullies, i haven’t missed you.
What comes with ill-prepared plans and decisions? Depression and her ugly best-friend, Anxiety! Yes, honey, they’re waiting for you at the door. When you’re on the verge of change, not even to-do lists, project plans, or budgets are going to keep you afloat. Don’t fight the feelings of being scared. You need to move through it. Let the what ifs hit you. Let the panic settle. But do not stop living. Not even when one of your closest friends and roommate ends your friendship over you wanting more for yourself. Feel her selfishness. Feel your heartbreak. Bitch and cry that life is sucking right now, but do not sink into bed and stop living. (And let that girl go, she’s not worth the energy nor time.)

three // move.
And when I say move, I mean physically move. And when I said sign a lease on a gorgeous apartment, I forgot to add in that it’s in a completely different state. Yes, you’ll leave New York City, a city that was never in your plans to begin with, but needed to happen because… growth. With New York City comes convenience, ambition, opportunities, and brunches. But it also comes with a constant reminder that what you are doing is simply not enough. And intense anxiety. Not to mention, it lacks the one thing you’ve been chasing for the five years you’ve been living there: somewhere that feels like home. So instead of doing another year of trying to make it work, you decide to put that energy into moving somewhere that you know will work.

four // freak out, freak the fuck out.
Yes you moved, but your job is still located in the heart of New York City. No more 15 minute D train commutes. It’s Amtrak trains or flights for the days you actually have to show face. The job hunting commences, not like you weren’t searching before, you hate your job, but now you live and breathe LinkedIn postings and indeed.com. You chase down recruiters and place yourself in the inboxes of people you kinda know well enough to ask, “Is your company hiring?”

And with the crazy uncertainty of your life, you begin to isolate. You disappear from your blog and hide behind interview posts instead. You stop calling your parents because you don’t want hear the fear in their voices and you shutdown in your relationship and become the nag he didn’t sign up for. Lastly, you’ll continuously ask God, not the universe because she hasn’t been fucking with you lately, but God, “How could you let me move without me figuring out all of the details first! HOW?!”

five // get it together, queen of post-its.
The days of laying in bed with the shades closed and the refusal to eat have eased in. Commuting back and forth is draining you, and so is sleeping on your big sister / best coworker in the world’s couch for 3 days a week. All the links within the job posting sites are purple because you’ve clicked on them and have probably applied to them already. Your hope is wilting, and depression is joyriding throughout your mind and body. Your therapist reminds you that you moved to NYC 5 years ago without a job, and managed to secure one. The only thing different was your attitude. So you decide to fix it. Post it notes, journaling, and setting intentions every morning. Affirmation queen come thru, honey!

Well would you look at that! You’ve received a callback for an interview.

six // relinquish control, boo. the universe got you.
Interviews are taking place, creative scheduling around work has ensued, but no one is giving you an offer. You’ve also picked up a nasty obsession with your weight, because all this moving and commuting and stressing has added about 15 lbs to your already borderline overweight body. Your boyfriend reminds you that this move is temporary, you both plan to move within another two years anyway, so maybe you should try the companies you’re not too fond of… and that following week, they reach out for an interview. The day after your interview they give you an offer. The week after that, 2 more offers come in but you go with the company you were actually avoiding. The money is what you’re asking for, the sign on bonus is even better, and the lady you will be reporting to is amazing. You can’t beat out a good boss.

You skip into work the following week to hand in your resignation. Your boss tears up. You eat those two cheese danishes in delight at your desk as you type up the formal letter. Countdown to 2 weeks is on! You thank the universe. You knew she was ride or die.

seven // acceptance.
Ah. Acceptance. This is something you’re still working on, but you know what will help? If you stopped living in secret and tell your close ones, what’s really up… you ready? [ deep breath ]

I moved out of New York in the beginning of the year.
I got new job that challenges the fuck out of me,
and they believe in me enough to boss people around
and blow up their current processes with my new and often random ideas.
I don’t have to fight for sunshine in my home anymore,
my current apartment has ample to give and it feels so good.
I survived my rash decision, and I am happy.

Do you hear that? I’m happy!