Just Not Sure If I’m A Writer

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The picture up above filled with wine glasses, bottles and comfort food? That’s the result of bloggers unraveling amongst other bloggers. It was the everything we’ve wanted to discuss but had no one to discuss it with moment. It was Morgan’s infectious  laugh, Tyece’s mid-sentence twerk sessions, Noelle’s too good for TV stories, and Roconia’s shedding of her bashfulness. It was “Yes, I’ve been there,” and “He did what?”, and “I’m afraid to write about that too!”  That Saturday was the Sisterhood of Writing in our absolute raw element: naked within our truths.

And then that evening happened.

That evening, a group of us were participants of “When Pen’s Collide”, an event we now know to be the ultimate writer’s experience. We read each other’s pieces in front of a live audience and became undone in the public eye. We unraveled once again, but this time our emotions and cores were exposed to strangers, and I’m sure most of us didn’t expect this at all, but a bond was formed from simply being present in that gallery. But as we shared intimate details about ourselves through our writing and and laughed after the waterworks, I couldn’t shake this one very strong feeling.

The feeling that I didn’t belong.

In fact, the more pieces that were read outside of my own, I knew I didn’t belong.

They were poetic. They flowed smoothly. They had structure. They invoked ‘oohs’, ‘aahs’ and a few ‘yaaaaas girl’. The audience snapped their fingers. They painted scenes immaculately. But my work was less flowery, they were rants more than personal essays, and descriptive words? They lacked. I’m not sure if anyone noticed how small I felt after each piece was read, but the sense of lack was strong. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work, they’re my words, they’re my story (well some of it), but they stuck out like a sore thumb, and I can admit that.

I didn’t go to school for writing, or journalism, or communications. In fact, any literature or writing class at my alma mater was seen as an elective. I’m an engineer. My day job is a systems analyst . And seeing that I don’t have the same background, I think it causes a great amount of insecurity. Hell, I panic every time I press publish.

I think I’m more of a blogger, than a writer. Sometimes a makeshift storyteller, sometimes your midday motivator, but not necessarily a writer. Or what I constitute as writer anyway.

And with this recent win of Best Personal Blog, somewhere between excited, shocked, and undeserving,  I now understand why I’ve shied away from YS.com this year, and why I blog less. I don’t want to portray myself as something I’m not, I’m not quite sure if I fit the mold, and I most certainly do not want to disappoint. I’m just not sure where I stand here in this writing world, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

 

 

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7 Comments

  1. I’ve always felt that there’s a clear divide between bloggers & writers who blog. Honestly, I’ve always considered you the latter, & I think that if that’s what you aspire to be, background & training be damned, work toward it & own it & embrace it & BE it. You are an extraordinary writer, & while we’ve all got room for growth, don’t sell yourself or your sizable talents short!

  2. Isn’t it funny how we see ourselves and what we take away from events. I wrote Any Title But A Love Story after this very same weekend. I left feeling like a writer, but one without a real story. And if you’d asked anyone else, they’d INSIST I had a story. Anyhow. Maybe we should think less about where we’re standing amongst others (our perceptions will always be different anyway) and more about the fact that we’re standing. You the shit, girl.

  3. I can so relate to what you’ve said and I too have written/blogged very little this year. I got to a point where I felt as though I was just adding to the noise in the world, rather than adding real value. Then I participated last month in GG Renee’s #30layers30days and that got me writing in a different way. I’ve accepted that I don’t know if I’m a writer, blogger or something that does not yet have a label. For the new year I just want to enjoy what I do, whatever it looks or sounds like. I love your blog and your authentic writing/blogging or whatever it is you do. The fact is you do it, and you do it well! I mean you have an award to testify to that now! Well done, well deserved. 🙂

  4. Being a writer is one who writes. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to attend school. Although that helps. You just have to write. And because you do, me and others feel compel to come to read. Keep writing and know all writers struggle with their writing.

  5. YETTI – you are a writer and a blogger – and so so much more!! You are a truly phenomenal woman. One that shares and tells in ways that bring tears to my eyes. You are not small, you are anything but. You are inspirational, honest, moving, funny, sassy, ranting, raving and perfectly you.

  6. Girl you’re a writer and you are a good one at that. This is my second post that I’ve read so far and I’ve been fully enjoying what I’m reading and this is coming from a person who graduated with a Bachelor’s in English if that makes you feel any better. lol I understand the insecurity though. I’ve had my own insecurity with that title plenty of times myself but I realized after a series of events that I AM a writer and I had to claim that, own that and be super proud of that. I am not the best writer in the world but guess what? I don’t have to be in order to actually be a writer. You have a blog, which means you’re one of us, writers. Grab a drink and relax! We need your words and your perspective. You’re the only one that has it! 🙂

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