Not Easy To Love

He jokingly said I should come with a warning sticker. I replied that I agreed, and that it shouldn’t be the one with red writing. Red writing creates fear, and I didn’t want to scare anyone. The message I needed to get across was “proceed with caution”, so maybe something a little less alarming, like sunflower yellow or clementine orange.

We laughed some more at the joke that wasn’t really a joke, and then I bluntly interrupted our phone call with,

“I’m impossible to love. I appreciate your patience.”

He laughed, not the same laugh from 5 minutes ago, but a lighter one. One where I could hear and feel him shaking his head.

“Loving you is different, but it’s not impossible. It’s different. In a rewarding type of way. Not everyone gets this far.”

You see, I come with a lot of pieces. I know that. Some of my pieces are damaged but still functional. Some are renewed, and honey? Better than ever. Some are completely untouched. And some are what they are: painfully broken. I own behaviors that are questionable, and a past that sometimes haunts me. I attend therapy on a weekly basis, and have scars on various parts of my body that memorialize my past battle with self-hatred. I’m secretive out of self-preservation, and have a mouth on me that’s trained to destroy out of protection… and sometimes out of spite. I’m typically an annoyingly happy person, but when I have my down days, they’re bad. They’re ugly. I perform a balancing act between my ambition and my sanity daily, and more times than not, my ambition will win. I’m petrified of the dark. Not because I was trained to sleep with a nightlight, but because someone else was trained to not take “no” for an answer.

I come with a lot of pieces.

And so do a lot of other women. But our pieces are beautiful, and defining, and multidimensional, and interestingly jarring. So we may come with a warning sticker. It may be a little difficult to peel our layers. But with each layer you reveal, you’ll experience the rarest form of love known to mankind.

You’ll experience a love we’ve fought hard to find and give.

Xx,
Phenomenal Yetti.

5

2 Comments

  1. I love this. I was just thinking today about my past, and even my current behaviors that I don’t like and how I’m ok with them even though I want to improve and move forward, and your use of the word “own” really struck the right chord with me. I own my faults, that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to get rid of them, but it also doesn’t mean that I can’t love myself despite the faults that I own. Thanks for once again helping me to crystallize my thoughts and my gut feelings.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.