“This just isn’t for me. I actually can say that I hate my job.”
I didn’t mean for it to come out, it just did. Actually, right before this, I told her that this job has been fucking with my anxiety, and that every day it feels like I am going to have a heart attack. Yes, I know the rules, or the rule I should say: Don’t say anything that will get your ass fired. But after a year of trying to make it work, and a year of complaining to my boyfriend, my best-friend, and my work-wife… it was time.
“I wake up an hour early to meditate in the mornings. I listen to affirmations during my commute to calm me down before arriving into the company parking lot. I make to-do lists of all things I hate doing, but have to do anyway throughout the day. And then I go home, lay on my couch, and countdown till bedtime, because bedtime means I soon will have to do all of this again.”
My boss just looked at me as I tried to reassure her over and over again that this wasn’t a personal attack on her. I like her. But I’m working a job and a role that wasn’t on the description when I signed that dotted line and peed in a cup. I’m working with people that refuse to see me as their peer, and often times only hear what I have to say after it is reiterated by my boss or another individual that, um… resembles them. I’m tasked to change a culture around technology without the manpower to make it succeed nor the executive backing. And honestly, it ultimately just feels like I have been set up to fail.
“What can we do to fix this? I don’t want you hating your job, and I certainly want you to feel good being here,”
I wanted to tell her that we need to throw the whole company away and start brand new. And that I need a cool 20K more for putting up with the never-ending politics and conflicts on the daily. But I needed to be realistic here. I needed to give her hope, so you know… I don’t go get fired.
“Well, outside of me looking for something that fits a little more into my intended career path, I’m really not sure. It would be nice if people actually respected my role or had an idea why I am here.”
This was the first conversation we had about me not liking my job, and it certainly hasn’t been the last.
I don’t think any boss wants to hear that their report hates doing their job, but I think it’s conversations like these that open the door for a better, more honest relationship. I think us being open about our wants for our careers, makes it easier to obtain a role better suited for us, without the secrecy, without the guilt, without the feat. But most importantly, us letting the right people know that the stress of a position is actively working against our mental-wellbeing is crucial to building a healthy environment. I’m still not entirely sold on this job, but I understand my life circumstances at the moment, and certain changes need to be patiently handled. But managing my mental-health has become a priority I no longer tip-toe around in the office. My boss and I are on the same page when it comes to that, her knowing it isn’t cop put to not do certain projects, me accepting that sometimes it’s okay to tell her “no”. When the time is right, I’ll make my grand exit, but at least I know for now that my sanity is well taken care of.