Written on Saturday and then continued on Sunday
5:17AM . Massachusetts . I’m on the rock in front of my parent’s house. It’s… so damn cold.
I’ve spent all early morning thinking, making lists, thinking some more, drawing diagrams, and yes, more thinking. Yesterday, I intended to isolate myself, despite what I told Maki and my little brother I was going to do. I threw up a Hiatus notice on the blog, informed the Facebook group, deleted social media from my phone, and began to think of all the possible ways I could disappear for a month so to figure things out.
This my friends, this has been my coping mechanism for years. When things would get rough, I’d either harm myself, write, or disappear. All things that allowed me to escape my realities when they seemed to hard to face. I kicked the self-mutilation habit, but the isolation “technique”… is still very much so real. It’s a terrible way of coping, it really is, I wish I could explain why it “helps”, why it works for me, but I know you all wouldn’t understand. So far, Maki is the only person, I know that understands, simply because she used to do it too.
Things have been really difficult and I am still sticking to the no details on the blog, but I have a lot going on with my life. I have shared certain details with friends and family, but there is a lot more going on than anyone really knows, simple because I am going to deal with it on my own. These are my problems, everyone else has there own problems, they deal with them, I shall deal with mine too. But when I fix one road block, another one seems to appear, twice the size of the one before. And with this, I’ve noticed a lot about myself… and the person I’m becoming and though I am pretty phenomenal, there are some things, (such as my isolation habit) that need some work.
The most trivial issue I think that’s on my plate is that I am turning 25, and I feel like I’m in the still in the same position I was in when I was turning 24, my to-do-list is not complete, I’m still being taken advantage of by people I care about, and still feel like the “real-yetti” is being stifled but I’ll get to that in a separate post.
… and now I have forgotten the importance of this post. I guess what I was hoping to get out was to give you a little insight as to why I disappear every so often, and let you know… I’m working on it. I promise, I am.