Home With Mr. Smith

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“Yetti, that’s perfectly normal.
It’s perfectly normal to find home in your man.
It means the things we’ve spoken about are working
and you guys are doing the work.” – Sharron, my therapist.

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That was a relief to hear, because the last time I told a professional that sometimes I look a for a level of comfort in my partner, I was categorized as “codependent” and had to deal with my third or fourth politically correct label of “crazy”. But this time I guess I am a little crazy.

Crazy in love with you, Mr. Smith.

The first time I was able to define this attachment was 3 weeks ago. You were in the Bronx visiting family for the weekend, and I was on the couch in our apartment watching “The Notebook,” pmsing and restless. Noah, one of the lead characters, was explaining to his children why he needed to be where their mother, Allie, was. Allie, suffering from dementia, was admitted into an assisted living home. Noah followed shortly to help her remember him and their life together. Noah explained to their kids that wherever Allie is, is where his home is. And it clicked.

I can’t sleep when you’re not home, and if I do manage to fall asleep, it’s on the couch. I busy myself when you’re not here, because I don’t know, it makes the time pass by quicker. And on vacations you have to be the last person I speak to, because it’s settling. It’s the reset button my anxiety looks for. I feel safe with you. I’ve found home in you. And that’s really scary for me.

Scary because I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love or been loved like this. An honest love. A passionate love. A patient as all hell love.

Scary because once the world finds out, I’m going to have to give up my thug card because your girl is mushy, and needy behind the door of Unit 2407.

Scary because even though we say we know where this is heading, I can’t create a timeline of us or our love like my OCD has done in the past.

Scary because I got on my soapbox here on YettiSays and proclaimed I didn’t believe in a happily ever after, and look what you’ve done.

Scary because I am so far removed from my element… but there is no other place I’d rather be.

For years I moved apartments, and even moved states, searching for the comfort of home. It never once crossed my mind that I’d find in a person. Thank you for being that person.

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Smith. Thank you for stalking me at the 2014 NSBE Convention even though you will not admit to this.

I love you to the moon and back.