Journal Entry: 12/21/2017 2:33AM
2017 in 4 words: Uncomfortable, Love, Stagnant, Resentment
- UNCOMFORTABLE because 2017 was the year I moved to a new state. It has taken me all year to adjust to a new normal, and to be quite honest, I’m not sure if this new normal is what I want for myself, so technically I’m still kind of in limbo. I also changed jobs and industries, which unknowingly came with a career path change and not by choice. Uncomfortable because that is how I felt everyday. Uncomfortable in the skin I am in, uncomfortable with where this road may go, uncomfortable with the choices I’ve made to get here.
- LOVE because my siblings mean the world to me, and this year I was tested on exactly how far I was willing to go for them. Love didn’t fail me. Love is the reason we’re alive.
- STAGNANT because my passions and purpose were put on the back-burners and have grown soggy from being ignored and un-stirred.
- RESENTMENT because I somehow forgot to put myself first this year. I forgot to look out for me.
Yeah, 2017 wasn’t a good year at all.
I’ve tried to write this post 8 times, and each time I did, the post didn’t sound authentic. Each version was poetic. Each version used colorful words, and each version had quotables for days. But each version didn’t reflect how I feel at the current moment.
And how do I feel?
Like 2017 dragged the fuck out of me. That it drained and exhausted me. That it pushed me to my emotional edge, and that I’ve barely hung on with not an ounce of my sanity to spare. 2017 was not my year. 2017 was not the year I claimed. 2016 took me to new heights, 2017 brought me back down to a stale place. 2016 taught me how to fight for my needs, and then 2017 undid all of my hard-work learning how to self-care and self-love.
But 2017 was only temporary, and I thank God 2017 was only temporary, but I don’t have anything amazing planned for 2018. I’m not hoping for too much either. Not because I am expecting 2018 be the sequel to his shitty older brother, but because I simply want to find a balance within myself and what I currently have, and not what my highly anxious mind and overachieving spirit want for me. With yearly expectations comes room for disappointment and panic, and this year and all the ones to come, I just want it to be whole. I want to feel whole.
I’ve challenged myself that for the 365 days of 2018, I will do everything I can to be self-compassionate, to love all of me, to be mentally and physically healthy, and to be happy. Because 2017 wasn’t about me. It was playing clean up crew to messes that didn’t belong to me. It was putting my self second, third, or last, to honor the happiness of others. It was leaping into firestorms that didn’t stir from my garden. It was saving others, and me constantly questioning “who’s left to save me?”
I’ve never been the one to be “saved”, because I’m the independent one. I don’t know how to ask for help, and I’d rather not share my emotional load. But this year I am asking for help, and this time around, I’m going to try and move in a direction that honors my needs and my joy. So the question is no longer “who’s left to save me?” but “who is going to save Yetti from herself?”
And that’s me. I want my phenomenal back. I want my joy back. And I’m ready to work for it. 365 days of saving Yetti. At all costs.
Yetti (Pending the “Phenomenal”)
If you haven’t seen my 3:00 minute 2017 recap video, you should check it out!
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