Because I’m Drained

You’re blogging on a Sunday?

Yes. Yes I am. Because I’m uninspired. Because I’m grasping for energy. Because I’m lacking motivation. Because I’m so fucking drained, and have nothing to blame it on but, life. So I going to try my very hardest to focus on this blog post, in which I have already taken four breaks from, and force myself out of a rut I’ve been laying in for the past week or so.

It’s because you’re burned out.

No, it’s laziness. And the lack of discipline. It’s the feeling of wanting to do nothing for the next few weeks yet magically produce and chip away at my larger than life goals at the same time. It’s me writing the ideas down, because they’re crazy, sexy, cool then only being able to muster up the strength and motivation to think about them, brainstorm them. No action. Lack of conviction. It’s me knowing my purpose, and tightly grasping my passions and not knowing how to apply the latter to what I know is needed from me, someway or somehow.

Or, it could be that it’s fear. Fear of not knowing what I am doing, and being too much of a pussy to push through and do it anyway. This could be the result of not knowing when to ask for help. It could be the comparisons, the constant watching other people get it right, and I’m still fucking it up, and drowning in a puddle of dreams, with no support in the deep end. It could possibly be the irritation of watching others implement an idea I’ve shared with them, and them doing it well.

Or maybe it’s because I do not know how to slow down and God is trying to humble me for the sake of my sanity and my health. Maybe it’s the fact that sometimes I honestly just can not get with the thought process that everything happens for a reason, because I’ve worked so damn hard to be overlooked and unappreciated, and now I’m subconsciously saying “Fuck you”. Or maybe, I’m not working hard enough or smart enough. Or maybe, just maybe, I got it wrong in this post, maybe your dreams shouldn’t scare you this much into a state of remote controls wedged at your side, glazed eyes from too much T.V. and matted hair underneath a hoody.

Whatever the case is, Phenomenal Yetti is having a rare non-phenomenal moment, and I’m drained, just so utterly drained.

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