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ASMT: The Women Respond – Relationships

ASMT

And we’re back! But this time we’re discussing relationships! Check out what these ladies have to say about this post.


 

What do you think are a few mistakes women make when they get into new relationships? Do you agree with the responses provided by Greg, Eric and Omari?

Vanessa: I definitely agree with Greg’s response to this question. Taking it slow seems to be the anti approach when it comes to getting into new relationships. Everyone seems like the “perfect” man or woman when you are initially attracted to them. I’ve learned that Oxytocin aka Satan’s Hormone activates feelings of trust and attraction between people when it is released in the brain. THIS alone will have you going CRAZY! We (mainly women) tend to forget about what IS during the infatuation stage and we focus on what could be and/or what we want it to be. Although it is near impossible to skip this stage for most women (not me because I have a choke hold on my emotions) this may be the downfall of relationships before they even begin. DON’T LET OXYTOCIN CLOUD YOUR JUDGEMENT! And it won’t, as long as you remember to take it slow.

Johnna: This is funny. I have several theories on this. Many of which I discuss with my friends all the time. Not all guys jump from relationship to relationship. In fact I know a number of men who have been in serious, committed relationships and pride themselves in being “one woman men”. Why men do it, is not so important to me. I’m not the captain of team “save a jerk”.  I am a firm believer that though some negative societal trends are inevitable I don’t have to participate in them. I’m not so bothered by players because I just avoid them. There are plenty of guys who won’t put someone through that. We live in some interesting times. Men believe that they have the home court advantage when it comes to young women especially if they are young, successful and educated men.

This is a dangerous game. I have had long conversations with fabulous young women who debate staying in relationships with players simply because its “hard” for women to meet men. It’s not if you broaden your scope. Nothing is wrong with dating guys who are actually nice. Nothing  is wrong with dating outside of your race. Nothing is wrong with dating guys who aren’t in your circle. Think outside the box. I’ve talked to guys of all races and interests and its been fantastic. Larger sampling pool! And you start to understand  what you like and don’t like.

Quiana: I think woman allow the initial attraction to their new mate to blind them. They miss all the warning signs that are pretty evident based on the simple fact that they’re “in like”. And if they do notice these signs, they think they can change the guy or mold them to their liking. I also think women give too much too soon. What’s the rush?

Why do you think men tend to shy away from relationships and hop from women to women? Do you any similarities in your view with that of the guys?

Vanessa: I Agree with all three of the answers the guys gave. Everyone has their own reservations about being in a relationship for a number of reasons. Personally, I feel like if his mind isn’t set on being with ONE woman exclusively then he won’t have any intentions on changing that even if the perfect woman is right in front of his eyes because, what’s the perfect girl if it’s not the perfect time? I’ve witnessed men pass up on a wonderful woman (not talking about myself here there’s more like me in the world) and not even know it because that’s not where his mind was. Contrary to popular belief, I genuinely don’t feel like men do it to be malicious. It’s not their fault that their brain is the size of a grape and they can’t get their act together for whatever reason. Women take part in enabling this behavior also in some ways whether they know it or not. We (as women) feel like we can change men with our words, actions, and vaginas. Girl, PLEASE! *sips henny*

Johnna: I don’t think that women realize how comfortable you have to be with YOURSELF before getting into a relationship. Human beings (men and women) have a tendency to use relationships as a crutch. A relationship shouldn’t be the sole contributor to your self confidence or self esteem. You should know who you are and what you bring outside of the relationship. This sounds very rudimentary but it’s a constant pitfall in relationships. If someone doesn’t spend a fair amount of time understanding who they are then the other person in the unit will have to deal with that. This could manifest in a number of ways that almost always lead to an unfortunate ending.

Quiana: Most men have been ruined emotionally by a previously relationship that didn’t work out. I think they allow the baggage to follow them and swear off monogamy as a defense mechanism. Most black men (and woman) grow up in single family homes, being raised by a woman, so they’re never given the blueprint to a successful relationship.

How much do you / will you compromise within a relationship? When is it too much for you?

Vanessa:Compromise is key in any relationship. Although, I see where Eric and Omari are coming from. I don’t feel like it should be called a compromise because in reality I want to make my man happy, so if I choose to do something it should be for that reason only and not to gain something in return and I will do it as much as he needs me to. At the same time it can be detrimental when you start to lose yourself in his needs. He should respect you enough to expect or not expect certain things from you because of who you are, what you believe in and what you want. For example, if I told you in the beginning of the relationship that I want children and you agree then decide you no longer want them years down the line I’M LEAVING YOU! That’s not something that should be compromised because now I will die without the children I’ve always wanted and I will resent you! I guess what I am trying to say is, be fair to me and I will always be fair to you.

Johnna:  Compromising is good to a point.  When you are crying constantly, depressed or don’t recognize yourself in the mirror I would say that you may have gone too far. At that point I would say either you and the other person need to have a serious discussion or parting ways is critical. The key is respect. Never let compromise become disrespect. If someone sees that you’re a giver and they are a taker, they will always have NO problem taking.

Quiana: I think each person has to bend a little in order for a courtship to work but I also believe that if it’s a mutual exchange you won’t feel like a compromise. It’s all about give and take when building a foundation. As an adult, you’ll know when you’ve reached your breaking point & decide that enough is enough. If you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, it’s time to move on to the next one.

When a long term relationship ends would you prefer to stay friends or go your separate ways?

Vanessa: I guess it would depend on how the relationship ended. I’ve personally been in one long term relationship that didn’t end well and I prefer to only do a check up every once in awhile. I’d rather not hang out with him or see him for the sake of my sanity although I will always care about him. I think it’s important to maintain a healthy distance in order to move on mentally and emotionally. What exactly are we going to do as friends that we couldn’t do in a relationship? Go to the movies? Go out to dinner? Go to parties together? No thanks, CHECK PLEASE!

Johnna: Ok. So this is when I get slightly girly. If I broke up with my current boyfriend I would have a hard time going “separate ways”, since  him and I really are best friends. More often than not in most cases going separate ways is imperative although I do admit that I would have a hard time doing it.

Quiana: It depends on the situation and why the relationship ended in the first place. But, in most cases, I chose to not remain friends. There is nothing there for me anymore.

How do you feel about Greg, Eric and Omari’s “green lights” to a relationship? You see the same trend in men and yourself?

Vanessa: It’s so weird to me how men analyze these situations. Since I don’t have a penis I will never fully understand the reasoning behind this. I’ve heard that men don’t think about relationships until after they release their first nut in or on you. After that everything becomes so clear! Funny right? But, I believe this! Send me flowers, send me a sweet text, show me some appreciation after you cum inside of me so I know it’s real daddy! Haha! (I’m serious). Some men will say “not all men are the same we think differently blah blah blah” but lets face it, there’s a pattern of this behavior with men in all age groups. Men have behavioral herpes! The actions may remain dormant inside of you but when you guys have an outbreak Valtrex couldn’t even save you! *pops bubble gum*

Johnna: Absolutely Not! What “green light”? I am more of an “amber” girl. I am pretty discerning about who I date and how long my vetting process should take. It’s not a rigid system  nor is it foolproof however I have experienced enough to know that being whimsical with my heart may not yield desirable results. It’s unfortunate but in my experience men don’t respond well to “I love you. Why are you hurting me?” They just don’t. Therefore, be judicious with who and how you love. You have to look out for you. No one else is doing that.

Perception does not equal reality in my book. Humans are not stupid, if a guy wants someone he can fake the funk for a long time. I  have seen it. Then down the road you’re confused with the revelation that the person is not who you thought they were.  Put the time into being meticulous  and seemingly patient now rather than deal with becoming bitter later. How was the guy raised? Was his father in his life? What are his family values? These are so important when it comes to understanding men and how they will ultimately treat
you. Signing off!

Quiana: Of course I agree with Eric. We have to have some common interests (even though I’m known to gravitate towards my polar opposite). And I have to respect his taste in music. That’s a big one for me. My friends think I’m ridiculous when I judge a man by his iTunes library, but I’ve seen women dismiss a man for less… and his relationship with his Mother is important to me. If he doesn’t respect the woman who birthed him, there’s no point in me seeking that. I agree with Greg in reference to “accessibility”. I’ve been in a long distance relationship, and I don’t believe in them anymore. RUN!

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