The Women Respond: Valentine’s Day And Self-Love

 

So yesterday we heard from the guys, today we’ll hear what the ladies, the superior sex, have to say! Just kidding, just kidding.

And SAVE THE DATE: 2/17/2016 – Twitter Chat with our favorite guys!

Quick-Tidbits:

1. • Single, Dating, or Married:
     • Kayla: Engaged.
     • Chele: Single
     • Nads: Married… thank gawd.
     • Vanessa: Dating
   • Your go-to Valentines gift for him:
     • Kayla: A gift bag full of the guy’s favorite snacks and drinks.
     • Chele: In the past I’ve done: A bottle of cologne, dinner, a bow on my booty.
     • Nads: Food & Sex.
     • Vanessa: I’ve never given a gift for VDay :-(.
   • Your worst Valentines Day gift:
     • Kayla: I can’t recall ever getting a bad Vday gift!
     • Chele: I’ve always gotten something I loved.
     • Nads: Lingerie, like why get me a gift meant for you???? ::insert Swaggy P confused face::
     • Vanessa: I can’t say I’ve had a bad gift.
   • Do you have a Valentine?
     • Kayla: Yes.
     • Chele: Nope.
     • Nads: Yes, and it’s not my son.
     • Vanessa: Yes I do :-).

When and how do you determine “bae” is worthy of a gift on Valentines day?

Kayla: If “bae” and I have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship then he can get a gift.

Chele: I’ve always been the type to get a boyfriend something just because I wanted him to have it. Valentines Day or not. If you’re bae and I care, that determines if you get gifts. Bomb strokes is a factor as well.

Nads: If I consider him “bae” he is automatically worthy of a Valentine’s day gift.

Vanessa: I’ve never had a Bae who cared about VDay gifts.

Would you date a man that doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day? Are your forcing him into the tradition, letting it pass, or kicking him to the curb?

Kayla: I would not want to date a man who purposely does not celebrate Valentine’s Day. What is the problem? Does he feel pressured to spend money? We can cook in the house together or do something inexpensive. Private about your love life? Vday doesn’t have to get posted all over social media for it to be celebrated. If he can’t give me a good enough reason why we shouldn’t do Vday, he’s full of it.

Chele: I’d date a man who doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day. If I want to do something special for the man I’m with, I’m not going to limit myself to a certain holiday to do that. So why should he? It’s any other day that people have put hella emphasis on over the years. If we’re always doing for each other and decide not to celebrate that day, I’d be okay with that.

Nads: Yes, I would date a man who didn’t celebrate Valentine’s day, if it’s just not something he does, I would not force that upon him. I will say though, if he has always celebrated with women in his past and never chose to with me, that would cause a slightly raised eyebrow. Either way, it isn’t necessary but any effort a man puts into a thoughtful V-day is always appreciated. It seems that, as I’ve gotten older, the fake importance of Valentine’s Day has dwindled exponentially.

Vanessa: I’ve never been with a man who really cared about VDay. We would celebrate only because of me wanting to. I wouldn’t say it would be a deal breaker if he didn’t want to celebrate it. As long as he shows that he appreciates me in other ways at other times during the year.

Let’s switch it up! February is more than just the month of love, it’s also National Self-Esteem month. How important is it to you that the person you’ve settled down with, or will eventually settle down with maintains a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem? 

Kayla: It is important for my partner to have a normal level of self-esteem/confidence. To me, having confidence in what you do, how you look, etc., will make you happy with yourself. Both people have to be happy with self before being happy with each other.

Chele: Having healthy self-esteem and self confidence is extremely important to me. Naturally, I want it to be just as important to the man I’ll eventually settle down with. I want him to take care of himself and feel good about himself. As his partner I’d appreciate having someone by my side who’s confident and comfortable in his own skin. That’s so sexy.

Nads: Being with someone who possesses a healthy level of both of these attributes is at the top of the list for me. Nothing is more attractive to me than a confident man (but not arrogant.) If I believe I am the shit, I am going to need my man to be on that same wavelength. *Hi Greg :)*

Vanessa: It’s SUPER important because that sets the tone for the relationship. Dating someone with low self-esteem is the ultimate set up for failure. Nothing good would ever come out of that. NOTHING! Yetti doesn’t have enough space on her page for all the stories I could tell about this. Just don’t do it to yourself. And, if you’re a woman with low self-esteem or self confidence don’t get into a relationship until you’re in a better place because it would be the worst thing you could ever do.

Have you and would you ever date someone with low-self-esteem? What about a mental illness?

Kayla: I’ve never dated a man who wasn’t confident in himself at least somewhat. I probably couldn’t deal. I’m a “glass half full” kind of person, so if I started dating someone who I noticed wasn’t confident and didn’t speak positively over himself, I would take it as a red flag and not want to go much further. As far as mental illness is concerned, if it’s something that developed during the course of our relationship, I would try my best to stick by my partner’s side, so long as they are getting the help they need. I can’t act like I wouldn’t have some fear that it would cause a strain in our relationship, however.

Chele: I wouldn’t date someone with low self-esteem. That’s draining. I’ve dated men with way too much self esteem and that was draining. Is narcissism classified as a mental illness? If so, I’ve definitely dated a couple guys with a mental illness.

Nads: I’ve dated men with low self-esteem in the past, can’t really say I’ve dated anyone with a mental illness but it’s quite possible, some of these n-words were a mess. Any-who, it’s truly an exhaustive effort and I really believe success in any relationship requires that you as an individual are happy and whole. I am just not equipped to be anyone’s shrink or life coach. I prefer a man who was holding his head up high before I got there.

Vanessa: I have dated someone with low self-esteem. We were young though so looking back that might have been a given. I’m not a doctor but I’m sure there was a mental illness somewhere in there. I just thank God that I had the ability to make certain decisions within that relationship before I potentially ruined my life. Men with low self-esteem are really the worst type of people to be in relationships with. I cannot stress that enough.

Mental Health awareness seems to be picking up lately. How do you feel we as a black community are doing with encouraging this conversation? Does any of this matter to you?

Kayla: I think our generation is embracing the need for mental health awareness more than past generations. We are becoming more educated and seeing that it is ok to look for help. Our communities have had to be strong and face adversity for centuries. I think maybe for a long time we just thought “I don’t have time to be depressed, I have a family to feed” or “I have to be the strong one” and many issues got suppressed. Many times you get told to just pray about it. God answers prayers and He gave us counselors, too. We have to take care of ourselves in order to better take care of others.

Chele: Mental illness in the black community can be one of those taboo topics. A lot of blacks, especially older ones, believe if they don’t discuss something, it doesn’t exist. Or they believe it’s a “white disease” which is completely ignorant. I’m grateful that SOME efforts are finally being made in the black community to bring this situation into the open and shed light on the ugly truth of it. I’m still not sure it’s enough though. It’s not about shame or being uncomfortable, it’s about our people receiving the help they need and deserve.

Nads: I think we as a community are, SLOWLY, lifting the stigma attached to mental illness but we still have a ways to go. Too many people still believe mental illness is something that one can control or “will away” which makes it harder for people struggling to find the support they need. The issue of mental illness and the lack of understanding and support within the black community hits home for me because I have a brother who suffers from mental illness. Growing up Haitian, there was NO SUCH THING AS MENTAL ILLNESS. I feel that had our family been more open to the authenticity of his issues we could have helped him before things got as bad as they did, it is only now that we are coming to realize there are things we could have done and signs we missed or simply dismissed; and it’s a hard pill to swallow at times. It’s just a heartbreaking situation when we find ourselves saying things like, “I should have done more” instead of, “I did everything I could.”

Vanessa: I think it’s a great thing that people are becoming more aware of this issue. The black community seems to be afraid to speak out about it and I’ve never been sure of the reasons why. It is so important to have positive and honest people around you because they can see the signs better than you can. If people are open minded to the possibility of having a mental illness, they can get help before it’s too late.

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