“Are you afraid of the dark Yetti?”
“No, I don’t think so? Why?”
“Well because you never seem to turn off the light I usually do it for you. Or will go to bed with the light on”
I didn’t realize that I had developed a fear of the dark until this conversation with my friend yesterday. I’m not sure where it came from or when it started, but it’s true… I rarely sleep with my light out, unless my roommate has turned the light off for me.
When you’re afraid of the dark, you will do just about anything to avoid it. It’s more than just having a night-light. It’s more than just sleeping with the lights on. It’s more than the mood swings at night fall, and it’s much much more than the obsessing over white-light lightbulbs. It’s about craving the light. It’s about searching for all things that provide daylight and honestly, if we get down to the bottom of it, it’s not even really about the dark. It’s about the unknown. It’s about not knowing what is to come.
When you’re afraid of the dark, you’re often afraid of uncertainty.
When I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of the suffering that may come. Because there is always some type of suffering to come.
Last year I took on the philosophy that if I expect the absolute worst, when it happened, I’d be prepared. And for the most I was prepared. Except for when it came to the matters of the heart, because… stupidity and hope. The philosophy worked, except that’s all I ever saw: the worst. And when you focus on the worst, the more of it came along. It was as though expecting it, brought it. From a broken heart to a shitty roommate to multiple hospital visits to a break in to shitty friendships and the list went on. It didn’t let up, and last year, and the beginning of this year were some of my most harshest times. Simply because the dark was too much to bear. Simply because I would rather expect it, than to be surprised or thrown off.
So after expecting the worst became too much to deal with, I decided to be hopeful for the best, almost expect it even. But while doing this, I try to be thankful for everything else that falls short of the expectation. Because sometimes we need to create our own light instead of holding onto what seems to be easiest. Because sometimes we need to suck it up and have faith, instead of dreading the path that leads to darkness. Or maybe, just maybe, we created the scary monster that lives within the dark, and it’s not really that bad after all.
Either way, when you’re afraid of the dark, of uncertainty, it is almost completely in your hands.