“It’s so fucking cold today,” has been the choice conversation starter as of late. Yesterday’s weather forced me into a sweater and blazer, because it was far too cold to display my arms and I was far too much in denial to accept that it is indeed fall to pull out a light jacket. Summer said, “Fuck this, I’m out. I do not want to wait until the 20th.”
It is now Autumn. And oh yeah, where the hell did all the year go?
Though fall is by far my favorite season, I can’t help but remember it to be stressful, and pushy, and always a made dash to complete things before my birthday. You know, to avoid that failure feeling I usually have. Now though I don’t completely feel behind in life this year, I know there are things I have purposely pressed paused on with the caveat that “I have the rest of the year to focus on that” or simply because I have managed to convince myself, I’m just not there yet.
But when will we ever be there? What exactly is it that we are waiting for?
For the past few years I have been trying to launch something so dear to me. It’s potential is so captivating and exciting. The work that needs to be done petrifies me with every list I make. And the support for simply just the idea is motivating and heartening. But the pressure this invokes? The fear of failure and time being wasted? The worry that all that support dwindles? It’s real. It’s so consuming that I can feel my heartbeat in my throat as I think about it. It’s everything that you guys can not see… simply because I have been waiting.
We wait on “aha” moments. We wait on life’s monopoly board to tell us go forward and collect $200. We wait on our fairy godmother to tell us it’s okay. Or we simply wait on the floating blimp that says, “Yes you can.”
Okay, I forced it a tad.
But there sometimes is no “aha” moment. There wont be a collect $200 prompt. There won’t always be someone to reassure that next step. And there certainly will not be a floating blimp. But there will be confusion, there will be fear and there will be a whole lot of uncertainty. The perfect combination for a panic attack or success. I’m aiming for the latter.
Waiting, for me, provides me with a safety zone. Your dreams haven’t failed yet, their potential can still live on within this waiting room. But death of a dream is also a high possibility. A nerve-wracking one. It’s 50 / 50, full of hope and limbo, just as any other waiting room contains.
I’ve decided there will be no more waiting, no more basking in the safety, and no more playing it safe. I’m aiming to move along with seasons instead of fighting it. I have the ability to be my own “ready, set, go”, my own reassurance. Time waits for no one, especially us confused twenty-somethings and this is just another attempt in taking control of our futures.
I’m putting that shaky foot forward and asking the universe and my confidence to provide me with some balance and stability. I am planning two of my very first events for my blog and my side project: a panel brunch and a gala. And that’s not even the half of it. It will be all types of madness, but I am telling myself I am ready. #Yettipalooza is coming, February 2015.
It’s official, the waiting room is closed.
Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth. – Bradley Whitford