Tomorrow is November. One more month closer to the end of the year. Oh and nine days till my birthday.
For the past three years I have celebrated my birthday extravagantly. I’ve renamed November, set up weekends of events, and did a destination (Puerto Rico) 25th celebration. From the W hotel, to flying out friends and to the strip club, I have celebrated well and hard. So for this year it’s only right that I do things differently because this year has been different. This year, it’s only right that I do things bigger and better.
This year I have no plans of celebrating.
There will be no planning, there will be no accommodating others, there will be no Yettember or birthday sex. Okay, maybe I lied about the birthday sex, but this year will not be one for the books.
This year, my birthday will proceed like a Sunday. I will not lift a finger to plan and I will aim to squash my roommate’s plans to party. It has taken me sometime to realize this, but I can celebrate me whenever I feel like it. I don’t need people around to do so. Not to mention, my past two birthdays have kind of been terrible.
Last year I had a breakdown in Puerto Rico on my birthday. The weekend celebration before that? It was full of stress and accommodating a few people who could give a fuck about what we were celebrating to begin with. My last couple birthdays haven’t been about celebrating me. No matter how hard my best friend Delli has tried to keep the focus on me. They’ve been about pleasing others and pretending that I am fine when in reality last year and the year before, I was far far far beyond fine. I was broken, desperately trying to hold the pieces together. And celebrating? That was a facade to hide the pain that I had been in.
But this year I have nothing to hide, thus this year will be different. This year will be the first year that I am okay. This year will be the first year since age 20 that I do not feel behind, that I do not dread another year, and that I am thankful for the year that I have had. This year will be the first year in three years that I am not heartbroken. This year will be the first year I actually spend my birthday smiling. Because this year I feel somewhat whole. This year I feel like I’m in the right place. This year I feel happiness in the midst of crazy. And this year, I am so thankful for the shittiness of the years before because truths were revealed, rock-bottom was hit and excuse me for the “arrogance”, but I bloomed into something so beautiful it’s extremely hard to ignore.
So tomorrow is November. Not Yettember.
Thank God for that.0