think the first time I heard this quote was in the beginning of last year. I had just watched “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” and with everything I was experiencing I was feeling like an emotional fuck on the plane. I had just left the mini life break I had needed with family in London, and I was heading back to deal with the bullshit I so badly wanted to escape. My apartment was under new management, and we had a recent break-in in the building, not to mention no heat or hot water (which is also very illegal). I was in NYC with only really one person to depend on, and I couldn’t seem to make the city feel like my home. It was the beginning of my health issues. And lastly, I was in love with a man whose actions and words were never coherent.
Not to mention, I was negative as all hell. Everything probably felt 10x worse than it should have.
This quote made me cry, because it was a reflection of the life I was living. I didn’t set the bar high for myself in any area of my life minus my success and my passions. I was settling. And settling sucks even more when you know you’re doing it. And when you know you’re doing it? It’s probably one of the top 5 worst feelings to ever experience because it highlights that you know you should do better, but you won’t.
This weekend I remembered something. There’s something us women do that is the cause for most of the turmoil we experience within our lives. We hold onto “what if’s” and possibilities within relationships or lack there of. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard friends state “if only he would…”. Or watch them plot and plan on uncertainties of him changing for the better. Better yet, I can’t count how many times I would do both… and then subject myself to a series of unfortunate events that took such detrimental tolls on my heart, not to mention my mind.
This thing we do ladies, it will eventually drive you crazy if you allow it to. And I allowed it to until I had no other choice to get right.
We fixate on things we want and convince ourselves that is the best that is out there. That this is the best that we can get, though we have not a clue of what is in store for us in the future. It’s a mind game that is often controlled by the pangs of our heart. Up until last fall, I truly believed this was something only the weak did, something only people with low self-esteem put themselves through. I’d beat myself up for this thought process. I’d scrutinize myself for not being strong enough to control my mind or my feelings. I’d give myself tough love, tell myself to do better and always do what is best for me. But I realize now even the “strongest” of women battle this, and I put strongest within quotes simply because I now realize… they were just like me. Sick in love.
It takes a great deal to finally take a risk on yourself. It’s a bigger risk when it’s within the love department. Your heart is at stake and it comes with up and downs of sadness and anger. But if you truly think you deserve more than you’ve been being served, you should honestly step up to get whatever it is that you deserve. There’s only so much time you can blame what is happening on time and change. Making up excuses for why you stay will soon get old very quickly. What if’s and possibilities won’t soothe uneasiness. You taking control will. And it will suck. And it will hurt. And it might even make you a little unstable. But at least you know you’re putting yourself first, and you’re finally being good to you.
You know what you deserve.
All quote’s are from the below passage written by Erica Nichole creator of EverythingENJ.
“We fall in love with potential, clouding our own judgment and we hold the belief that we have the power to change someone else when we refuse to change ourselves. ” No one is going to make you whole – you have that power. Stop giving yourself away to any ol’ thing and start consenting to the love you know you deserve – and that? Starts inside the very person that’s hurting. You.” – Erica Nichole – Gotta Work On You First