hey say to grin and bare it. Never let them catch you down. Don’t give them the satisfaction of your tears or your pain. Fake it to you make it. They tell you if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen. You’re told to hit the ground running. Keep your head down and work hard. Sacrifice. Focus. Plan. Execute. Cut back. Work some more. They say the idea of burn out is in your head. Mind of matter. Slowing down and giving way to exhaustion is for the weak. Showing signs of vulnerability? Nah, we can’t have that, they say.
But how do you refuel yourself when the wheels are barely turning?
How do you get the vehicle going again when your engine is desert dry?
Can I be honest with you all?
Like come-undone-don’t-judge-me-too-hard honest with you?
My engine is desert dry. It’s been dry. It’s drier than fucking dry.
I have just about no motivation to do anything outside of what is necessary. I work my 60+ plus hour week, workout like a mad woman, and uber home because taking the train is too much work. I attend 3 to 4 evening meetings for NSBE, boo-love, and lay in bed contemplating my next move. The next move I have no motivation or energy to make. I mean, even right now, I am forcing myself to write this post.
I think it’s a little bit more than losing my mojo. I think it’s exhaustion coupled with extreme laziness and I don’t know what the fuck I want anymore. It’s a little bit more than not wanting to fail at these new ideas that pop into my head. It’s no longer caring about living a complacent life with a side of being an overachiever is really hard and boring and lonely.
But more importantly, and what is relevant to this space I call home on the internet, I just don’t think blogging is it for me anymore.
This year in blogging has been nothing short of disgraceful. I think to date I have posted 10 real blog posts outside of my post series and the Currently staple. I’m actually a little ashamed. You see, sitting down to write doesn’t come easy for me anymore. The words no longer pour from within and the release is never met. It doesn’t feel natural, or freeing, or relaxing. It’s feels more like a chore and a “you have to do this” obligation, and I refuse to produce anything with that being it’s intention.
Every time I log into WordPress, I wonder if it’s time to hang it up. I wonder if maybe this year-long dry spell is not simply just a dry spell. I wonder if maybe my time on the interwebs was numbered, and I’ve been holding onto something that no longer serves a purpose. Because it shouldn’t be this hard to dedicate time to it, and it shouldn’t be this much of a struggle to complete a post once or twice a month.
The words are not failing me, they’re simply just not there anymore, and I feel terrible because a few of you constantly follow up with me via email or social media, and I’ve responded with assurance that there will be a come back, but deep down, I’m really just not sure if it’ll happen.
But rest assured, if I do decide to hang up this hat, I’ll keep YettiSays and AndSoSheWrites open to you all, and you’ll always have a way to get in touch with me. I just really needed to honest with you, my faithful, loyal readers. That time feels like it is near.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see where this road leads us.